Song parodies, adaptations, and original lyrical mischief.
The Dusty Old Bar
March 31, 2026
By Doug Bayliss – After hearing my performance at open-mic night, my friend gave me a rhyme to start my next song. I believe she didn’t appreciate the rap-style of VIM & VIGOR! Her words were something like, “I’m at the bar, I hear guitars.”The Dusty Old Bar
Verse 1
Sittin’ in the bathroom at this dusty old bar,
Outside the door, strums an old guitar.
He keeps on pickin’, tryin’ to go far,
While I’m on the toilet, in this dusty old bar.
Verse 2
I hear him hit the chorus, cheers from the crowd,
Boots stomp the floor, shakin’ it real loud.
He’s playin’ to the room, already a star,
And I’m sittin’ right here, on this porcelain bar.
Verse 3
Yeah, I’m stuck in this stall, the moment won’t pass,
He’s tearin’ it up, while I’m stuck on my ass.
Life’s funny that way, you are where you are,
One’s chasin’ lights, one’s droppin’ cigars.
Verse 4
He’s pushin’ for the climax, gotta time it just right,
Not too hard, not too soft, don’t lose the night.
I’m thinkin’ the same thing, in this seat where I sit.
Gotta ease on through, and take the hit.
’Cause whether you’re home, or on the road,
You gotta’ push on through, to drop your load.
He ends real high, there’s roars from the floor…
While I stand up, and reach for the door.
VIM & VIGOR
By Doug Bayliss
March 29, 2026 – I wrote this after feeling so much better after my surgery. It’s been 5 weeks, and I’m the best I’ve ever been.
Steely knives / under the lights / I endured the RIGOR
Queen Michelle / on my six / man I really DIG-HER
I don’t need / no little-blue-pill / you know it came out BIGGER
No kiddin’ around / you know it’s true / our-love-is now much THICKER
It’s a waiting game / we’ll have to see / which one of us comes QUICKER
If I finish first / it won’t matter / she’ll just cum when I lick her
A-b-c-d
No fear on stage / open-mic night / ain’t gonna’ be my TRIGGER
I gotta’ new job / suits me well / workin’ as a GOLD-MINE-DIGGER
The river keeps callin’ / treasure awaits / get out / the old OUT-RIGGER
Packin’ for the trip / plan ahead / bring along the aged MALT-LIQUOR
A-b-c-d
Grab a bottle / of whiskey strong / pour me a nice long JIGGER
That’s what I’ve / come to call / pure VIM AND VIGOR
So let’s celebrate a second chance / I’m not a guitar PICKER
Don’t play too hard / or we’ll have to call / that old GRAVE YARD DIGGER
A-b-c-d
I might have undone myself on this one. If you can imagine, I “rapped” this earlier tonight at an open mic night.
She Can Be A Little Wild
March 1, 2026
By Doug Bayliss – Written to the tune of “Okie from Muskogee,” by Merle Haggard and Roy Edward Burris
1. Well, I’m happy hto be married to Michelle
You know we’ve been married for a while
We’ve had our ups, we’ve had some downs. I even shed a tear
But side by side, we’ve made it through the years
2. Well, I’m happy to be married to Michelle
The prettiest little girl I ever saw
When I walked through the door and first met her,
Right before my eyes -I Saw Stars
3. Well, I’m happy to be married to Michelle
The prettiest little girl I ever saw
She took me by the hand, down the aisle we ran,
Never looking back, that’s for sure
4. Well, I’m happy to be married to Michelle
You know we’ve been married for a while
We’ve had our ups, we’ve had some downs, I’ve even shed a tear
But side by side, we’ve made it through the years
5. Well, I’m happy to be married to Michelle
The sweetest little thing I’ve ever known
Our marriage now might seem a little mild
But I’ll admit she can be… a little wild
Yes, I’ll admit she can be… a little wild
What’s Up North Mountain?
March 3, 2024
By Doug Bayliss – After discovering a new watering-hole, I was inspired by the antics of many of the patrons. One fellow, “Chubediah,” was particularly inspiring and I wrote these lyrics. I’m so happy, really, I sang this for him before he passed. The establishment is now home to a very popular Open-Mic-Night most every Sunday!To the tune of What’s Up by the 4 Non Blondes.
What’s Up North Mountain?
All these years, and here we are
Having a drink at our favorite bar
The North Mountain Inn
It doesn’t take long to realize
The beer is still cold, and the food is still hot
AMEN! And the staff is amazing.
They’ve got Beam Me Up Scotty’s and Jager Bombs.
Lemon drops and sweet Duck Farts, oh yeah
And Slippery Nipples
Someone will call for their favorite shot
It tastes really good. We drink it a lot
We used to scream from the top of our lungs, Fireball!
And I said yeah yeah yeah, I said yeah yeah yeah, I said yeah. Fireball!
And I said yeah yeah yeah, I said raise a glass… for Chubbediah!
That’s right, the first Toast of this song still goes to our old friend Chub.
May he rest in peace
And now, he lives on with the Chubbediah Music Grant for local artists.
Please talk to your bartender about applying or making a donation.
Okay, listen up. This next part’s important.
Because the staff, oh my God, the staff
They bust their fucking ass
At the North Mountain Inn
So reward the bartender and the kitchen staff
Reward them with your hard-earned cash
For their contribution
Because they’ve got Beam Me Up Scotty’s and Jager Bombs
Lemon drops and sweet Duck Farts, oh yeah, you should try one
Or a buttery nipple
You know someone’ll call for their favorite shot, it tastes really good, and we drink it a lot.
We used to scream from the top of our lungs, Fireball!
And I said yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass to all our departed family (there’s been too many).
And I said yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass, to The North Mountain Inn!
And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a toast, with all your friends!
And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass for tonight’s host! Your Name Here!
Spoken: Well friends, it’s another Sunday Funday. Thank you so much. Please drink responsibly.
All these years, here we are, having a drink at our favorite bar…
The North Mountain Inn.
Am I Just Wasting Time?
March 2026
By Doug Bayliss – I wrote this during my surgical recovery period. On a personal note, the proceedure, I feel, has left me weaker.
Intro (soft)
Lord… help me, Jesus…
Verse 1
I wake up, and the room is still,
My body won’t move the way that I will.
There’s a thought in my mind, says “get out of bed,”
But it never quite makes it out of my head.
Chorus
Lord, help me, Jesus,
I’m searchin’ for a sign.
Lord, help me, Jesus,
Am I just wasting time?
Bridge
If I can see a sign today,
I just might rise in some small way.
Please meet me now as the day begins,
Strength doesn’t shout—it moves within.
[Break]
Verse 2
I’m searching my soul, I’m searching my heart,
It ain’t fear and it ain’t doubt—
It’s just hard getting started now,
So I’ll begin by making this vow.
Chorus / Outro
Lord, help me, Jesus,
I’ll follow wherever you go.
Lord, help me, Jesus,
You’re the only one who knows.
It’s a new day…
Awaken me.
‘Chelle (Mame)
To the tune of “Mame” from Hello Dolly.
By Doug Bayliss – It was 1981-ish. I would sing it outside the window where Michelle was staying. I guess this was my way of wooing her. It worked. The numbering system is for frets on my homemade canjo.
Verse 1
2 2 2 2 2 2 1 2 3 4 1
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Chelle
3 3 3 3 3 3 2 3 4 7 2
You charm the husk right off of the corn, Chelle
8 8 8 8 8 8 7 8 7 4 5 5 7 4 5 5 7
You’ve got my canjo strummin’ and plunkin’ out a tune to beat the band.
5 5 5 5 5 5 4 5 4 2 2 3 4 2 2 3 4
You got me going since you drove topless in our old Trans-AM.
Verse 2
2 2 2 2 2 2 1 2 3 4 1
You put the fire into the ball, Chelle
3 3 3 3 3 3 2 3 4 7 2
You give my old-time spirit a kick, Chelle
8 8 8 8 8 8 7 8 7 4 5 5 7 4 5 5 7
You make my sexuality shudder at the mention of your name.
5 5 5 5 5 5 4 5, 7 7 7 7 7 7 5 7
You’ve made me feel alive again, you’ve given me the drive again,
9 9 9 9 9 9 8 9 8
to make it home alive again, Chelle
Verse 3
You put the sunshine into the sun, Chelle
You go to work and make it all fun, Chelle
Your hands are worn from workin’, there’s a rebel in your manner and your soul.
You may be from New Jersey, but Apalacia never had a sweeter doe.
Verse 4
You helped me raise a family of three, Chelle
You made it look so easy to me, Chelle
You came, you saw, you conquered, and absolutely nothing is the same.
Your special fascination’ll prove to be inspirational,
We think you’re just sensational, Chelle!
Doug Bayliss
9/24/23 for our 40th Anniversary
My Own Wooden Mug
2025
When we go out for the evening
It’s up to The North Mountain Inn
My wife? She’ll order a Coors Lite
She knows that the mountains are blue
For me, I’ll order a Lager
It comes in my own wooden mug
The barkeep treats me so special
It’s no wonder I’m feelin’ so smug.
Sing-a-long:
Lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way
I can’t wait to look in the mirror, I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me. I must be a hell of a man,
lord, it’s hard to be humble, I’m doing the best that I can
Two Cups of Coffee
Chorus I
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
I’ve places to go and people to see
But most of the time, I just watch TV
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
Chorus II
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
I finish my chores, and I write my books
I take a look around with a fresh outlook
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
Chorus III
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
It makes me happy when I feel blue.
I write these songs and sing them for you
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
I Gott’a Pee Right Now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out of my fuckin’ way!
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, I might just have to use a mop
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, you might just want to throw me out
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, I just might have an accident
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, it’ll be my final sacrament!
It would be nice to stop and reminisce
About the time in my life without a urologist!
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out of my fuckin’ way
It can blow your mind, destroy your confidence
When you spring a leak, when you’re tryin’ to dance
It can blow your mind, ruin your confidence
When you stand up and piss your pants!
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out… of my *uckin’ way!
Sweeter Than Wine
To the tune of “Kisses Sweeter Than Wine” written by Pete Seeger and Lee Hays
Well, when I was a young man, I’d never been kissed
I got to thinking it over, how much I had missed.
But when I met Michelle, we couldn’t help but kiss, and then.
Oh Lord, I kissed her again.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine. She had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
I asked her to marry and be my sweet wife; I told her we’d be happy for the rest of our life.
I begged and I pleaded (even beat pac-man) and then… Oh Lord, she gave me her hand.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine. She had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
We worked mighty hard both me and my wife. We worked hand in hand to have a good life.
We laughed and we played and FELT ALIVE, and then…Oh Lord, a party of five!
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine, she had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
We have a good life without too much strife. We often head out to enjoy the nightlife.
The North Mountain Inn is where we hang out because. Oh, Lord! It’s really far out.
Kisses are sweeter than wine. She has, mm-mmm, kisses sweeter than wine.
Now we are old and ready to go. Thinking about what happened a long time ago.
We had our share of trouble and pain, but… Oh Lord, I’d do it all again.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine, she got, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
An Obscure Irish Ballad
https://www.ibiblio.org/jimmy/folkden-wp/?p=9138
Michelle With Two Ls
Gonna’ tell you a story
About a girl named Michelle
You can bet your life
Her name has two Ls
The first L’s for love
From heaven above
The second L’s legendary!
She’s the girl I married.
A long time ago
And she’s still my rainbow-oh!
Selected essays, short works, and publications: bayliss.com
