Song parodies, adaptations, and other lyrical mischief.
Sweeter Than Wine
To the tune of “Kisses Sweeter Than Wine” written by Pete Seeger and Lee Hays
Well, when I was a young man, I’d never been kissed
I got to thinking it over, how much I had missed.
But when I met Michelle, we couldn’t help but kiss, and then.
Oh Lord, I kissed her again.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine. She had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
I asked her to marry and be my sweet wife; I told her we’d be happy for the rest of our life.
I begged and I pleaded (even beat pac-man) and then… Oh Lord, she gave me her hand.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine. She had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
We worked mighty hard both me and my wife. We worked hand in hand to have a good life.
We laughed and we played and FELT ALIVE, and then…Oh Lord, a party of five!
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine, she had, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
We have a good life without too much strife. We often head out to enjoy the nightlife.
The North Mountain Inn is where we hang out because. Oh, Lord! It’s really far out.
Kisses are sweeter than wine. She has, mm-mmm, kisses sweeter than wine.
Now we are old and ready to go. Thinking about what happened a long time ago.
We had our share of trouble and pain, but… Oh Lord, I’d do it all again.
Because she had kisses sweeter than wine, she got, mm-mm kisses sweeter than wine.
An Obscure Irish Ballad
What’s Up North Mountain?
To the tune of What’s Up by the 4 Non Blondes.
All these years, and here we are
Having a drink at our favorite bar
The North Mountain Inn
It doesn’t take long to realize
The beer is still cold, and the food is still hot
AMEN! And the staff is amazing.
They’ve got Beam Me Up Scotty’s and Jager Bombs.
Lemon drops and sweet Duck Farts, oh yeah
And Slippery Nipples
Someone will call for their favorite shot
It tastes really good. We drink it a lot
We used to scream from the top of our lungs, Fireball!
And I said yeah yeah yeah, I said yeah yeah yeah, I said yeah. Fireball!
And I said yeah yeah yeah, I said raise a glass… for Chubbediah!
That’s right, the first Toast of this song still goes to our old friend Chub.
May he rest in peace
And now, he lives on with the Chubbediah Music Grant for local artists.
Please talk to your bartender about applying or making a donation.
Okay, listen up. This next part’s important.
Because the staff, oh my God, the staff
They bust their fucking ass
At the North Mountain Inn
So reward the bartender and the kitchen staff
Reward them with your hard-earned cash
For their contribution
Because they’ve got Beam Me Up Scotty’s and Jager Bombs
Lemon drops and sweet Duck Farts, oh yeah, you should try one
And buttery nipples
You know someone’ll call for their favorite shot, it tastes really good, and we drink it a lot.
We used to scream from the top of our lungs, Fireball!
And I said yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass to all our departed family and friends (there’s been too many).
And I said yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass, and toast your friends!
And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass, to The North Mountain Inn!
And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, raise a glass for tonight’s host! Whoever you are!
Spoken: Well, friends, that’s another Funday Sunday in the books. Thank you so much. Please drink responsibly.
All these years, here we are, having a drink at our favorite bar…
The North Mountain Inn.
‘Chelle (Mame)
To the tune of “Mame” from Hello Dolly.
It was 1981-ish. I would sing it outside the window where Michelle was staying. I guess this was my way of wooing her. It worked. The numbering system is for frets on my homemade canjo.
Verse 1
2 2 2 2 2 2 1 2 3 4 1
You coax the blues right out of the horn, Chelle
3 3 3 3 3 3 2 3 4 7 2
You charm the husk right off of the corn, Chelle
8 8 8 8 8 8 7 8 7 4 5 5 7 4 5 5 7
You’ve got my canjo strummin’ and plunkin’ out a tune to beat the band.
5 5 5 5 5 5 4 5 4 2 2 3 4 2 2 3 4
You got me going since you drove topless in our old Trans-AM.
Verse 2
2 2 2 2 2 2 1 2 3 4 1
You put the fire into the ball, Chelle
3 3 3 3 3 3 2 3 4 7 2
You give my old-time spirit a kick, Chelle
8 8 8 8 8 8 7 8 7 4 5 5 7 4 5 5 7
You make my sexuality shudder at the mention of your name.
5 5 5 5 5 5 4 5, 7 7 7 7 7 7 5 7
You’ve made me feel alive again, you’ve given me the drive again,
9 9 9 9 9 9 8 9 8
to make it home alive again, Chelle
Verse 3
You put the sunshine into the sun, Chelle
You go to work and make it all fun, Chelle
Your hands are worn from workin’, there’s a rebel in your manner and your soul.
You may be from New Jersey, but Apalacia never had a sweeter doe.
Verse 4
You helped me raise a family of three, Chelle
You made it look so easy to me, Chelle
You came, you saw, you conquered, and absolutely nothing is the same.
Your special fascination’ll prove to be inspirational,
We think you’re just sensational, Chelle!
Doug Bayliss
9/24/23 for our 40th Anniversary
My Own Wooden Mug
When we go out for the evening
It’s up to The North Mountain Inn
My wife? She’ll order a Coors Lite
She knows that the mountains are blue
For me, I’ll order a Lager
It comes in my own wooden mug
The barkeep treats me so special
It’s no wonder I’m feelin’ so smug.
Sing-a-long:
Lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way
I can’t wait to look in the mirror, I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me. I must be a hell of a man,
lord, it’s hard to be humble, I’m doing the best that I can
Two Cups of Coffee
Chorus I
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
I’ve places to go and people to see
But most of the time, I just watch TV
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
Chorus II
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
I finish my chores, and I write my books
I take a look around with a fresh outlook
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
Chorus III
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
That’s how I start my day.
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit,
It’s the only way.
It makes me happy when I feel blue.
I write these songs and sing them for you
Two cups of coffee and a bong hit
And I am on my way!
I Gott’a Pee Right Now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out of my fuckin’ way!
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, I might just have to use a mop
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, you might just want to throw me out
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, I just might have an accident
If I don’t get to the bathroom now, it’ll be my final sacrament!
It would be nice to stop and reminisce
About the time in my life without a urologist!
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out of my fuckin’ way
It can blow your mind, destroy your confidence
When you spring a leak, when you’re tryin’ to dance
It can blow your mind, ruin your confidence
When you stand up and piss your pants!
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee right now
So get out… of my *uckin’ way!
Michelle With Two Ls
Gonna’ tell you a story
About a girl named Michelle
You can bet your life
Her name has two Ls
The first L’s for love
From heaven above
The second L’s legendary!
She’s the girl I married.
A long time ago
And she’s still my rainbow-oh!
Selected essays, short works, and publications: bayliss.com
